By Bethanie Jones
I was in a Desiree Rumbaugh workshop when she came over to assist me getting into an inversion. It was a forearm balance, the kind I hate. It is the kind of inversion that you can’t fake by slapping yourself into a wall or building a barricade of blocks around you. This was the kind of inversion that required your own strength as the foundation. Her verbal queues had gotten me to the pinnacle point, and I was perfectly aligned ready to go upside down. She stood at my feet and said, “I’ve got you, go ahead and kick up”. I felt her there, and I felt her support but I froze. I couldn’t move. My mind raced with thoughts of fear and weakness. I told myself I wasn’t strong enough. I knew my arms would give out beneath me. I powered through and kicked up just as she’d asked, and I quickly came crashing down. She said seemingly shocked, “Come on, try again you can do this, trust yourself.”
Hearing those words, “Trust yourself” struck me to the core. I crumbled into child’s pose and sobbed. My emotional reaction took me by surprise. Once I could muster the words, I said, “ But I don’t trust myself”.
What a profound thing to say.
Where did it come from? Have I always felt that way? Suddenly, so many things in my life made sense. My fear of making decisions, my preference for safety and the path of least resistance, the way I’ve allowed people to treat me poorly–all of it finally made sense. My entire life has been shaped by this single sentence.
I do not trust myself.
To be honest, this is still a work in progress. I wish I could say, since that day I quit my job, became a writer, took my life’s savings and traveled the world like a gypsy but I cant. What I can say is that I’m aware of it now and that every day I try and pay attention to it. I try to be kind to myself and remind myself of how far I’ve come in this life and how brave I am for simply trying. Instead of hearing a dark inner voice, I clear my mind and hear the words of those that love me. “You are the best mom. I have such a great life because of you. You really light up a room with your smile. You are the very best friend I’ve ever had. I could pass up physical beauty but I could never pass up your soul.”
We are all so worthy of love, because we came from love and we are love. Embracing ourselves for who we are is just the beginning. Should you find yourself not believing and maybe find yourself stuck, come on in to the studio. Take a class-Because we all get by with a little help from our friends.